Get my tower out of your nose
How old is your present carpet, Almighty Ruler?
I don’t want my hair to dry wet
When I be talkin' I be bein' smart
Things I've heard over an intercom
Pumps 6 & 9, your pumps is on.
Halloween, line one, Halloween, line one (w/major southern accent, i.e. "one" had two or three syllabols)
Favorite Comedies
Monty Python & the Holy Grail
Bill & Ted's excellent adventure
High Strung
3 Amigos
Princess Bride
Happy Gilmore
Blazing Sadles
Space Balls
Kung Pow
Mighty Wind
Bruce Almighty
Groundhog Day
(mostly) Original Quotes
It’s bad luck to be superstitious
I’m too good to be conceited
You can have everything you want in life, simply want less
Worrying is grieving before it happens
Jerk is the last word I would use to describe him… That’s because once I used the word jerk, I would be done describing him.
I try to avoid clichés like the plague, even though they are inevitable as the tide, they are all a dime a dozen.
The state of your room affects and reflects the state of your mind.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
If you want to be a tool for God, you shouldn’t get upset when you feel used.
They say that the quickest way to a man’s heart is through his stomach and the quickest way to a woman’s is through the mailbox. I say the quickest way to both is through the chest.
How ironic that you can have a crush on a girl and later, by that same girl, be crushed.
It is better to have loved and kept than to have loved and lost.
If I didn’t have a bad side, no one would be scared of getting on it.
What’s the best way for a male chauvinist to turn on the dishwasher?
…Tell her she looks good in red.
John always compares himself to others, but I don’t.
What would it be like if we used milk for toilet paper and toilet paper for milk?
- You would put toilet paper on cereal
- Would you have to freeze the milk? Ouch
- Women would use milk to get make-up off
- Chocolate toilet paper
- If you’re kid can’t get to sleep have him/her drink some hot toilet paper
- At football games people would throw rolls of milk through the crowd
- Evaporated toilet paper
- Toilet paper of magnesia
- Don't laugh while you're drinking that or toilet paper will come out of
your nose.
- If you cut yourself shaving you'd put little bits of milk on your face
- Double ply milk
- 2% toilet paper or skim toilet paper
- You walk into the bathroom and get upset because someone forgot to put a
new roll of milk on.
- Toilet paper, it does a body good.
- Don't squeeze the milk!
- People use paper towels on their cereal if they’re out of toilet paper.
- 2 cups of toilet paper in every slice of Kraft cheese singles.
- Don't cry over spilt toilet paper.
- Having to fold the milk in half when wiping if you're low on milk.
- Butter toilet paper.
- Sour toilet paper can really make you sick.
- Solid toilet paper chocolate candy bar
- Delinquent kids would go around the neighborhood milking houses
- Toilet paper duds
- It's embarrassing to be at a friends house and yell, 'hey you're out of milk'
- OK Dave, I’m going to suck this toilet paper into my nose and squirt it out of my eye
- A favorite snack: toilet paper and cookies
- Women would fill their bra with milk and squirt toilet paper out of their breasts.
- Well, I’m gonna go toilet paper the cows
- Honey we're out of milk, and could you pick up some toilet paper while you're out
- Quilted milk
- Goat’s toilet paper
- Powdered toilet paper
- Some people would put toilet paper in their coffee
- Some people like ice in toilet paper
- Toilet paper shake
- Toilet paper intolerance
- Toilet paper mustache
- You’d be suspicious if your daughter looked like the toilet paper man
- Malted toilet paper balls
- Expiration date on toilet paper
- Don’t drink straight from the toilet paper carton
- Curdled toilet paper
- Missing kids pictures on the sides of toilet paper cartons
- If you give cats toilet paper, it gives them diarrhea, then you’d have to use milk to wipe it up
- Want a piece of toilet paper? (MST3K ‘Giant Spider Invasion’)
- Got toilet paper?
- That embarrassing little trail of milk attached to your shoe when you come out of the bathroom
- Boy, we’ve really toilet papered this idea for all it’s worth
Other things
This one's a stretch: Back when the Catholic Church was persecuting people for owning Bibles, there was a group of people that counteracted by praying to God that people would be allowed to open the Bible and read freely. The group members were known as the Nasals. From this fact a saying was born and is still used today: If you want to open the passages, you’d better have the nasals pray (You’d better have the nasal spray).
Preacher: Lord, we are but dust (pause)
Little girl (to mom): Mommy, what’s butt dust?
From a lawyer’s ad: If you have suffered heart attack, stroke or death you may have a claim.
Kid asks for water, dad says, ‘no’. Kid asks again, dad says, ‘no and if you ask again I’m gonna come in there and spank you." After about 5 min., the kid calls out one more time, ‘Dad, when you come to spank me, could you bring me a glass of water?”
Next time you see a vegetarian, ask them, “If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, why did he make them out of meat?
Guy in airport told his kids to be brave when he was gone and sleep in their own beds. When 5 year old son saw him in the terminal, he ran to him (with everyone watching and listening) and yelled, “Daddy, daddy, good news, When you were gone, no one slept with Mommy!”